A Christmas Prayer for the Infertile Woman

Dear Lord,

This year, in order to celebrate Christmas to the fullest without the intense spiritual and emotional pain as in the past, and to celebrate it the way You would have me celebrate, I ask Your help and strength to make these changes:

When I see adorably adorned children in angel's wings, turn my vision from these earthly angels to the message of the Good News the angels brought.

Rather than focusing on toddlers kneeling in wonder before the manger, let me focus on the birth of our Lord and kneel in wonder at His feet.

Instead of the ache of my empty arms, let me feel the magnetism and strength of His open arms as He says, "Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest."

When I see pictures of the baby Jesus, broaden my thinking beyond the maternal desire to feel the soft skin of that baby's tiny hands, and enable me to feel the nail prints in the rugged palms of my Savior.

When children's voices in chorus reach my ear, take away the lump that will have formed in my throat and enable me to join in singing Your praise.

And finally, when I watch children opening presents, please do not let thoughts of having no children diminish my gratitude for Your precious gift to me. 

In the name of Christ, my Savior,
Amen

- Martha Ann Diaz

I found this on a website today and it originated from Stepping Stones, a support group that offers hope to families struggling with infertility. Perhaps it will help you through the Christmas season.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I have mentioned before that I often use music to express my feelings.  I think that Michael Buble's Haven't Met You Yet expresses my feelings to my future children.  

I'm not surprised
Not everything lasts
Have broken my heart so many times
I stop keepin track.

Talk myself in
I talk myself out
I get all worked up
Than I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

Mmmmm ....

I might have to wait
I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing
And the other's half's luck
Wherever you are
Whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

I know that we can be so amazing
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Hmmmmm ......

And somehow I know that will all turn out
And you make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid I'll give so much more than i get
I just haven't met you yet


They say all's fair.
In love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and, We'll be united.

I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility..mmmm..

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get, Than I get, than I get, than I get.Ohhh!

You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.
I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.
(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet
I just haven't met you yet.

Trying to stay positive is easier said than done.

When we found out that we were going to have to do IVF to have a biological child, it was tough.  I think before it was confirmed, I somehow knew that was what was going to happen.  I had hope that it wasn't, but in the back of my mind, I knew.  Miserable is how I felt when we found out.  I don't think I was really prepared for all of this...but how do you prepare for anything like this anyway? HA!


In the months after we found out, I have felt like I am on a roller coaster.  My emotions seem to be up and down and all over in between. I think I feel this way for two reasons.  The first is that this feels like a last resort for us to have our own biological children. And, right now not having a biological child feels like the end of the world. We do know that being parents is the desire of our hearts, so if it comes to it, we will want to adopt. But, that feels like such a loss right now. I'm mourning the potential loss of a biological child, before we have had the loss.  I know it sounds stupid to do that, but these are the thoughts going through  my head....which is why trying to stay positive is easier said than done.  On the other hand, I do have my days where I am very hopeful and I honestly think that I could be pregnant in about 4 months and have a child by next Christmas! That thought brings a smile to my face.

As hard as it is to stay positive sometimes, it DOES happen.  I am not devastated and I have not lost hope. I do get down and it is hard for me to be around certain things and situations right now, but I manage. I still love being around my incredibly adorable nephews right now! Also, I will be excited to have a niece here soon!

We will start our first IVF cycle in three months.  Wow, it just seems like a lifetime away. Right now, I'm just "trying" to stay positive and hopeful, but really...I'm just trying to stay distracted from everything.

Surgery Date

Well, it's official.  I will be having surgery on Friday, November 5th at 11:30am.  I could really use your prayers before, during and after the surgery! :-)  I know that the Lord will watch over me and protect me. I have had two major surgeries in the past, but for some reason I still get anxious every time I have to have surgery.

Cyst-Free People are Cool

We received great news yesterday at the doctor! The cyst that was on my right ovary is completely gone and the left cyst has decreased in size.  All of this means we can proceed with surgery.  The surgery will most likely be next Friday, November 5th.  The doctor put me on BC pills (blah) to help decrease the risk of me getting more cysts in the meantime.  I'm not happy about this, but it's just one of the things I have to do.  I'm not exactly thrilled about having surgery either, but I am happy that things are progressing.  

My brother made me laugh when I told him that the cysts were gone.  He said, "cyst-free people are cool." I laughed out loud. :-)


Overall, I am happy about this news, but I am also overwhelmed with what is to come.  I'm trying to take it one step at a time.

Infertility Song List

So, I have been coming up with a list of songs for infertility. I love music and I often use it to express how I am feeling.  The following songs are not all "infertility songs," but they all fit in one way or another depending on my mood.  Feel free to add any songs you think might fit!

Over the Rainbow – Eva Cassidy

There’s a Light at the End of this Tunnel – Third Day

Fix You – Coldplay

Answer – Sarah McLachlan

If You Want Me to – Ginny Owens

Faithful – Brooke Fraser

While I’m Waiting – John Waller

Have Your Way – Britt Nicole

Behind the Scenes – Francesca Battistelli

Please Forgive Me – David Gray

Humble Me – Norah Jones

Full of Grace – Sarah McLachlan

Under the Ivy/Super 8 – Mila Drumke

I Got a Plan – My Friend the Chocolate Cake

Come What May – Moulin Rouge

Don’t Dream It’s Over – Crowded House

Happiness – Grant Lee Buffalo

Grace – Jeff Buckley

Chocolate – Snow Patrol

Let’s Go Out Tonight – Craig Armstrong

God Give Me Strength – Elvis Costello

Seven Nation Army – White Stripes

Classic Northern Diversion – Jackie Leven

Strange and Beautiful – Aqualung

Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd

Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson

You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up) – Josh Groban

The Promise - Tracy Chapman

This Road – Ginny Owens

Hang On – Britt Nicole

The Heart of Life – John Mayer

Mariah Carey – Vision of Love

Beyonce – Listen

Enya – Only Time

Leona Lewis – Footprints in the Sand

Third Day – When the Rain Comes

I Will Show You Love – Kendall Payne

Breaking the Silence on Infertility: This Woman Has A Secret

I would like to encourage anyone who is infertile, or anyone who would like to understand a little bit about what someone with infertility goes through, to click on the link below and read the article.

Breaking the Silence on Infertility: This Woman Has A Secret

More Waiting

Ok, so we went to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) yesterday for our follow-up appointment.  All of our tests were completed and now it was time to discuss our options.  Our doctor went through all of the results of our tests with us and determined that IVF is the only option for us to have a child.  There is too much scar tissue from the infection of my ruptured appendix 15 years ago.  Our doctor was just as shocked as we were that my left fallopian tube was blocked.  We were all hoping I would have one side to work with.  

After answering a bunch of questions, our RE wanted me to do another ultrasound, because they had found a cyst on my right ovary two weeks ago (this was the first time we had heard anything about it).  They wanted to check if the cyst had gotten smaller or even gone away.  She said it might be too soon, but we'll take a look.  After the ultrasound, our RE came in and let us know that the cyst was not gone and now there is also a cyst on the left ovary.  GREAT!  All of this news means that we cannot proceed yet.  We have to wait another month to do another ultrasound.  If the cysts are gone, then we can proceed with surgery.  I will need to have surgery to tie the left fallopian tube.  This will prevent the fluid from the hydrosalpinx from entering the uterus and harming a baby.  After the surgery (which is an outpatient surgery) we will then have to wait 3 more months to do another HSG test (dye test) to see if the tube is in fact closed off. 

When all of this waiting is over, we will be able to move forward with our first cycle of IVF.  We are thinking that this will be somewhere around March or April if the cysts are gone in a month.  I know a little about IVF from research that I have done and a few people that have been through the grueling process themselves, but I don't really know what it will take out of me.  All I know is that we will do whatever it takes to have a child.

What We Know

Well, one RE consultation, three blood work tests, one ultrasound, one SA, and one HSG later and this is what we know:  I have a slightly elevated FSH level (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) and both of my fallopian tubes are blocked.  I had a ruptured appendix in 1994, which caused infection to spread.  We did not know that I would have problems with getting pregnant down the road.  I have a hydrosalpinx at the end of my left fallopian tube (where the ovary is located).  When the egg is released, the tube cannot collect the egg.  The right fallopian tube is completely enveloped in scar tissue.  

What do we do next?  We're not really sure. Unfortunately, we have to wait until September 16th to meet with the RE again.  I still have blood work results that have not come back yet.  For now, we are trying not to get too down, but in all probability we will not have children on our own.

So, that's what we know for now.  We also know that we serve a big God and He can choose to do whatever He would like to do.  We still hold on to the hope that He is in control no matter what.  We will continue to serve Him regardless of our circumstances.

Thank you all for your continued prayers.

First RE Appointment

Our first appointment with the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) is set for August 19th.  We are anxious and excited at the same time to hopefully find out what is going on.  Prayers would be greatly appreciated!

I'm Letting Go

A few days ago, I was getting ready for work when suddenly a song came to my mind.  I had not listened to this song recently, so I thought it was kind of weird that I had this song in my head.  I felt like the Lord was trying to tell me something through this song.  I knew the main chorus, but it's not really a song that I normally listen to.  On my way to work I listened to the song called, "I'm Letting Go" by Francesca Battistelli.  Here are the lyrics:

Album: My Paper Heart

Artist: Francesca Battistelli

My heart beats, standing on the edge

But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat

There’s no turning back

(Chorus)

I’m letting go

Of the life I planned for me

And my dreams

I’m losing control

Of my destiny

It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe

So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith

Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown

Beyond my comfort zone

(Chorus)

Giving in to your gravity

Knowing You are holding me

I’m not afraid

(Chorus)

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe

Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

The night before this song came to my mind I walked into one of our bedrooms in our house that is totally empty.  We have a guest bedroom with furniture, but the bedroom beside the guest bedroom is empty.  I walked in there to clean, but when I was finished I just stood at the door staring at the room. I stopped and prayed for our future children that would be in that room.  I stopped and just listened to the Lord tell me to "let go."  I felt a peace come over me about everything. I feel like I'm starting to live my life in a different light.  I feel like I'm starting to let go of what I don't have control over anyway.  I feel like I'm really starting to trust Him completely. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wANs4_-i2vk

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,"

declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Sometimes our plans that we have for our lives don't match up to what God has in store for us. In those times, it's really hard to find peace and to be positive - especially when our plans are such strong desires of our hearts. 

My mom used to sing a song to us kids when we were little that went, "You can't always get what you want..."  This is so true, but the second part of the songs is, "and if you try sometime, you find you get what you need."  I think this song pretty much sums up what the Lord is telling us in Isaiah 55:8-9.  We don't always get what we want, be HE knows what we need.  We hold on to this hope that God is control and He knows exactly what is best for us.

This month was not the month for us. The next step for us is to begin fertility testing in August. For now, we continue to wait...

Wondering, Not Wandering

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." -Psalm 139:16

This is an excerpt from a book that I am reading. I was really touched by this part of the book and wanted to share it with you.

Moments for Couples Who Long for Children, by Ginger Garrett.

The Bible says that God knows the exact number of days in our lives and that He plans each day for us before we are born. He knows us intimately, long before our mothers were born or felt the first twinge of pregnancy. We see the linear progression of our lives. God sees the eternal past and future and knows how all of the events we face will fit together to accomplish His will.

Only God knows why our waiting to conceive is a necessary, critical part of His plan.

Because we can't see our situation through God's eternal perspective, we feel tempted to slide toward generalities. We simply want a child. We don't know what might lie in the balance of when we conceive and which child we are given, so we think we could get any child at any time in order to be fulfilled.

But right at this moment God is orchestrating so much more than our lives. His care and control over the events of the world do not diminish in the slightest His care for us. Rather, He is moving the world together for the perfect time for each child to be born.

The Bible insists there is an ordained day for every baby to be born, and so it follows that there is an ordained day for every baby to be conceived. If you are waiting to become pregnant, you have the assurance of knowing that God is not putting you off or ignoring your request or wasting time. If God has chosen to grant you children, He is even now moving you toward an exact day and time for you, or a birth mother, to conceive, and an exact day for this sweet baby to be born. It is hard to understand why we must wait for this appointed day when we feel we would be happy with any baby we could conceive between now and then. And it can confuse us to know whether or how we should pursue medical treatment since God already has pre-ordained everything.

But we know only part of His plan for our lives. He reveals to us daily how we are to live in each moment. We are asked to entrust the whole of our lives - including this struggle - to Him. Because we know He plans each birth and life so carefully, we can take comfort in the knowledge that He is a God of specifics. We may be wondering about the road we're on, but we're not wandering on an aimless path. It may seem that time waiting is time wasted, but in truth, each day that passes brings us closer to the specific day that God may have appointed for our child to be born.

The last part of this excerpt really touched my heart. "We may be wondering about the road we're on, but we're not wandering on an aimless path" This is so true. God is in control and he does have a plan for our lives. Also, the very last sentence is probably my absolute favorite sentence in this whole book. "... each day that passes brings us closer to the specific day that God may have appointed for our child to be born." I had never thought about it this way before. It shed some light on this struggle that we are going through.

-

Update

Just wanted to update everyone on our journey to start a family. I think most everyone knows that we have been trying for a little over a year now. We are currently on our third round of clomid. If this time doesn't work, we will be going in to start testing in August. I really hate clomid and it makes me very emotional and sensitive. Please pray for me and especially Jason!

Well, that's pretty much all for now...I will give another update soon!

I'm back

Well, it certainly has been a long time since I have posted anything on my blog.  Life seems to be slowing down just a tad now.  Basketball season is over, so I can come home right after school.  Spring break is almost here and I cannot wait! My wonderful husband and I are going on a much needed vacation for our 1 year anniversary! 

My life is pretty boring right now, although we seem to stay busy with all of the weddings coming up and baby showers!  I am dealing with some physical pain, mainly in my chest/back/shoulder area that I have lived with for about four years now.  It comes and goes as it pleases, kind of like an unwanted guest.  My doctor thinks I might have fibromyalgia, which is very hard to diagnose, but it's basically pain all over your body.  Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? 

On a lighter note, it's starting to get warmer here, which always helps brighten my mood!