To my friends who long for a child,
First, let me say that I am so very sorry you have to go
through this difficult journey. I know
how much infertility SUCKS – it really does. It’s physically, emotionally,
spiritually and financially draining. You want to be optimistic, but be
realistic at the same time, which is very hard to do. Prepare for the worst,
but hope for the best. You feel like you
have to “have it all together,” but really you’re falling apart on the inside.
You just want someone to realize how much it hurts. The insensitive, hurtful
comments people make just make it worse. Don’t get me wrong, they mean well,
but let’s face it – some people should just keep their mouths shut. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, reminds
you of what you so desperately long to have.
Infertility can be all-consuming. It affects your thoughts,
which in turn affects your mood. When you’re out and about, you count how many
pregnant women you see, you smile at the little baby or child walking with
their mommy and your heart sinks. It’s not that persons fault and they deserve
to be happy, but it just reminds you again that you’re not a mommy or daddy or
how much you long for your only child to have a sibling. People wonder when
you’re going to get “out of this funk” you’re in. Can I offer some advice? I
really think you should allow yourself to grieve during this process. Don’t
feel like you have to put on a show for everyone. I know for me it was easier
sometimes when people knew what I was going through, because I didn’t have to
pretend to be ok. I know that infertility is a sensitive topic and not everyone
feels open to talk about it, but I personally think it’s therapeutic to talk
about it as long as you talk to the right people.
My husband and I went through infertility and I know how
hard it is. Everyone’s situation is different, but I know what it feels like to
long for a child. You really feel like a mommy or daddy, you just don’t have
the children to mother or father yet.
I remember the road
that lead me to where I am today with my three children. I don’t want to go
ahead without remembering to look back and see how the Lord brought me through
infertility. There were many times I dealt with bitterness, jealousy and anger.
I didn’t know if I was going to have children of my own. When my husband and I found
out we had to do IVF to even try to have children, it devastated me. I remember
feeling like we had lost something I never had. Something about not being able
to naturally have your own children just seems unfair. I remember the day we
found out like it was yesterday. I had many days of doubt and just plain
despair. There were many times where I could barely make it without crying.
Going to church was hard, especially on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, and attending
baby showers was just difficult. But after two years of trying and 4 IVF cycles
(first one successful, one failed, one miscarriage, and our last successful) we
now have three children. There are no words for the amount of love I have for
them. Every
time I look at our babies I thank the Lord for bringing us through. I won’t
forget the road that brought us here.
That road wasn’t exactly easy. I had to ask the Lord to give
me joy while I waited. When I finally
gave everything to Him, I had overwhelming joy. Did that mean I knew we were
going to have children? No. But, I learned to let go. The Lord reminded me over and over that I
wasn’t in control anyway. I needed to let Him have His way. The hard part is
this: His way may not be for you to conceive children. His way may mean He
wants you to adopt your children or He may want you to mother or father the
children that He places in your life. But I truly believe we weren’t meant to
do life alone and that includes our struggles.
Infertility can cause you to become very lonely. I know that
I felt so much better when I allowed myself to seek support. There was an overwhelming comfort of knowing
friends and family were praying for me and my husband. I encourage you to reach
out to someone if you haven’t already. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says this: “Two are
better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls
down, his friend can help him up….A cord of three strands is not quickly
broken.”
Hugs and prayers to you my friends,
Esther
